Life is in Color, Now

            I have struggled with mental illness for many years now and sometimes it is really difficult to share and open up about. But at the same time there is so much hope and light to be acknowledged into my journey of healing and learning how to live with the different illnesses I have. I have difficultly with my moods- going up and down rapidly. I use to think very black and white about many different things. Life is worthless. I have no meaning or purpose. The whole world is full of evil. I will never get better.

            I had gotten really good at hiding it though. I am extremely high functioning despite having a couple different diagnosis some including mood disorder, ADD, and anxiety. I have a loving father, wonderful friends, a strong faith, hobbies, a job, and two bachelors’ degrees and one master’s degree. I graduated top of my class at ASU.

When I started the mastery program at Milan Art Institute, I felt like all my dirt and baggage was being dug up and thrown out for the world to see. I was extremely emotionally because I was facing all of these insecurities, all of these black and white thoughts, and all of the lies in my head. I had two choices either run the other way and drop out of school, or face them head on and challenge myself in a way that I had never done quite before.

            Art began to heal me. It was painful oh so painful. But it gave me a new perspective on the world. I began to see life in color. If you have viewed my art, you know that one of the main elements that make my work so special is how bold, vibrant, and juicy the colors are.  The more I learned how much I love working with color the more I began to see the significance of just how important color is in my life. I broke down so many lies in my head and so many insecurities this past year.

I have become who I truly am. At my very core, I am a loving, passionate, energetic, fighting woman who declares the message of you are loved, you belong, and you are worthy. I shout out to the mountains that relationships heal us and connection promotes growth and joy in our lives. Creating art is not my purpose, it is my vehicle in which I spread the message of hope and life and truth. My true purpose lies within what use to be my brokenness, my baggage, my dirt. It lies within the weaknesses that I feel too much, that I am too loud, and that I talk too much. That is where my purpose is because yes I do feel deeply, but it allows me to care for the world. Yes, I have mental illness but it allows me to connect with people who maybe feel worthless or hopeless. Yes, I am loud but it provides me the ability to declare my message of life to the world. Yes, I talk too much but that’s only because I want you to know how passionate I am about loving the world, loving myself, and loving my creator. I see strengths within my weaknesses. I see life in color.

Do I still struggle? The answer is simple. Yes. I am not perfect and never will I claim to be. I still have days where I feel horrible and it’s hard to function. But now I have so many more days that are wonderful and full of joy. I hope when you read this that you connect on some level and that maybe you will be able to relate. Or maybe you needed to hear this today-- you are where you are and that’s okay. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to hurt. But please know there is so much out there, life is full of chromatic experiences and they are waiting for you. Life is full of color.

Overcoming Fear, Pursuing Passion

            “Everything we want is on the other side of fear,” declared Jack Canfield.  I started my journey at the Milan Art Institute one year ago and recently graduated about a month ago.  When I first began drawing and painting a year ago, every single day I went to school I was sick to my stomach. I was nervous, anxious, and overwhelmed with the overload of information as well as my own insecurities. We have this saying at the Milan Art Institute, “Art heals my dysfunction”. I have come to learn through much experience that this statement is very much true. When I first started creating, these thoughts plagued my mind… “I am not good enough”…“I can’t do this”….“What did I get myself into?”…“Everyone else is so talented”… and lastly “I do not belong here”. I felt completely out of place and totally out of my comfort zone. I was brought to my knees. I had to face all of my doubts and insecurities that I have carried alongside me through out my life.

            At that time in my life, I was quite unsure of myself. Very much insecure and wondering if I had any purpose at all. My first session of classes, which included introduction to drawing and introduction to oil painting, felt like a constant battle. As I look back, I realize it felt this way because it was a war. I was finally facing the inner demons that have always held me back from being my truest and best self. I was forced to face them.  I am proud to say no matter how many times I cried or felt sick to my stomach I kept coming back. I pushed past the fear. I struggled through it knowing that there was something really big and beautiful right on the other side.

            As I entered into the next session, which included Mixed Media and Voice class, in January of this year 2019, I began to experience freedom and joy. I felt myself really start to enjoy the creating process. Learning how to do inks was probably one of my favorite weeks and to this day it is still one of my favorite parts of my personal process. I think the reason why I love inks so much is because they are beautifully messy. Inks are unpredictable yet they always surprise you by pulling off some unique flow that mesmerizes your eyes. When I let go of control, that’s when I truly started to embrace joy and freedom in my life. I feel like inks signify something extra meaningful for me that when I let go of control that’s when the real magic happens. The reason why I struggled so much in the beginning of the program is not only because I was facing all my insecurities, but also because I was holding on to this false idea of control.

            Letting go. I decided to truly dive deep into freedom just recently in July of 2019. I began to trust my higher power and to trust myself. There is so much truth in, “Art heals my dysfunction”. It came in stages- facing insecurities, hitting roadblocks, preserving, freedom, and hitting another roadblock, more insecurities, preserving, and then finally choosing to let go & trust. These stages often replayed through out this year making it a challenging but thrilling rollercoaster ride. This last stage of letting go, embracing, and trusting is freeing in itself. I am letting go of insecurities, fears, and doubts. I am embracing who I am meant to be, who I am now, and what I am capable of. Finally, I am trusting- trusting in my higher power and trusting in myself with pursuing my passion.

            I can do this and I will. I am a professional artist. I do sell my work all of the country and internationally. I am full of joy, purpose, and power. My art does help other people feel more connected in this world. My work does resonate with many people on a deeper level. It all started with me going deep with myself. I believe that relationships heal and I had to first heal my relationship with myself in order to truly be able to move into this new stage of life. I have leveled up. Now, I know the process of moving into a new season and I know I can overcome the fear.

            As I am writing this, I am being reminded of what it takes to preserve and how beautiful it can be when you do. I currently am in the midst of taking myself higher by building up my own business of selling my art and truly pursuing my passion of my being a professional artist. It is exciting and fun and comes with a new set of challenges. I am ready for it. So what’s next? Well, I have set many goals for myself for the next couple of months as well as the next year and half. My two main goals now are to produce as many paintings as I can till December and to connect with more people on all social media platforms. I also have more in store for you, but I can’t share everything all at once that would spoil the fun.

             For now, enjoy this new website and explore every last bit and stay connected with me by entering you email in the box below. It would mean a lot to me. I will be posting blogs pretty regularly and you will also be the first to know about any upcoming releases or exciting projects.